(Sarcasm. That is the first word read in this article so it is crystal clear what will follow. Racism is a topic I admittedly have relatively little exsperience with, outside of being a third party observer. My personal feelings however are simply this; Black? White? Red? Brown? I don't care what color your asshole is, just don't be one. Now lets begin.)
Racism is a big topic these days. Its in the news, on the TV, in basket ball and politics. It seems to be everywhere but ironically it seems to be vacant from the people perpetrating it the most, us white folks. Where are our racial slurs and bigoted protests? Why has nobody stepped forward and tried redefining racism towards white people for the new millienium? Honky. Cracker. Pecker Wood. All archaic racism from our fathers, and our fathers fathers generation. I want to step out of the stone age and into the space age with racism. So like everything else in life if you want something done right you have to do it white. So let us begin and just dive into unjust labels by starting with the author.
Hello. My name is Sam Norton. I am a straight white Irish American male who is the youngest child of my family. And I hate my stereotypes of which there are only two. Thats my problem right there, white people have only two prevailing stereotypes.
Stereotype #1; We are all racist... Sure.
Stereotype #2; When we sweat we smell like wet dogs. Ok.
But that is the whole list. Really non white America?! White people have been around for eons and you've only manage two? Step your game up, and get creative. Between white privilege, American exceptionalism and my penis constantly trying to run my life, it is a constant struggle to keep my ego in check. I am sure if my family ever owned a boat I would have the personality of a child king. Which is the first of my new and improved white stereotype.
Stereotype #3: Spoiled! King Joffre (game of thrones) and Varooca Salt (charlie and the chocalate factory) are white peoples spirit animals. For white people its never enough, if its not the price its the employees. If its not the employees its the wait, or the air, or the god damn lighting.
Stereotype #4: White people are full of greed. Your money we want it. Your house we want it. Your country, we take it. White on the inside green in the middle. We are the pistacios of humanity.
Stereotype #4: Love pairing Boxed Wine and Crocs
Stereotype #5: Love pairing Renaissance Fairs and PBR
Stereotype #6: Love pairing Jean Shorts and Unkempt facial hair
Stereotype #7: Meatloaf (food and singer)
Stereotype #8: Self loathing. From our music and entertainment to our humor and conversations the people of the white, hate themselves the most. White people's catch phrase should be "I wish people understood me". The truth is everyone understands us, EXCEPT US!
Stereotype #9: The 'N-word'. Not the actual word, but literally "The 'N' Word". It was our clever way of getting back the only thing someone has ever taken from us. "The 'N' Word; because white people deserve to have it all".
Stereotype #10: Tricksters. We managed to turn beads into New York City, thats a magic trick Merlin would have given a standing ovation towards. White people shake your hand and smile while our other hand pulls everything you thought you owned out of your life. Case in point, stereotype #9. We have managed to say the word "nigger" by simply breaking it down into two words and one capital letter. Or we just write it in a blog. Don't worry we aren't SAYING it, *WINK*
Stereotype #11: Fear of the Sun. Well you call it the Sun. We call it a midday demon that only lets us go outside for an hour and a half at a time.
Stereotype #12: Love of the Sun. Some mutant white people love the sun. They bathe in a bed of it. But they look like the Doc Marten boots they still wear.
Stereotype #13: Hypocrital. Everyone is a hypocrite for sure. But white people are the only ones who will ask "Where you from?" Unless! You are Black. Asian, Latino, accent, no accent doesnt matter unless you've got that chocalate skin. I believe its because we dont mind being racist until it gets awkward for us when we ask "Hey black Dave, where are you from"? "I don't know man, they didnt give my family a copy of the sales receipt."
Stereotype #14: Awful Immagrants. Not only were we welcomed into someones elses country then killed them, but we never stopped coming. And just like any group of immagrants the later generation slowly become shittier people. I am 3rd generation american. For immagrants I am the ghost of grandchild future. My grandfather grew up on a farmed, fought in WW2, put himself through college, then immigrated to the US to play hockey. My dad was the man of the house, when his father died, at 16. He put himself through college, then worked two jobs to support a family of 7. I dropped out of college, started wearing nail polish and vests, and say things like "I wish people understood me better".
Stereotype #15: Whites are filthy. I took a hard look at us and realized we are the only people on the planet who can be oily and flakey at the exact same time. We are like a buttered snow globe. Deseases like Measles, cholera, smallpox all come from cows and pigs being our roommates for 2000 years. We create microscopic death because we are too intamate with our pets. Thats why old white men open mouth kisses their dogs, and old white women share ice cream cones with their cats. Do you know what 'expressing the anal gland' means? I guarantee if you do you learned it from a white person.
These are just some suggestion for the community to pick up and run with. I hope however it gets your racism percolating so that we can bring something new to racism. Remember this is America the land of divided houses and trailers. United we stand but divided we grow. Without blanked judgements of entire swabs of people this wouldn't be the country former slave owners built.
In all honesty no matter your race, gender, orientation, or religion I have a place for you in my heart and hope this made you smile. Times at the moment seem so insurmountably difficult in not only the States, but the world in general. But I believe we can enlightening ourselves towards a brighter tomorrow. We just need to not let the past generations of malice define the future that is ours to own. We make our own path. It can be a narrow one or a wide path ever expanding in all directions towards the horizon. Lets encompass anyone and everyone with acceptance and love and try at least, just a little bit to unite under one label, "human". And remember, White power. Thank you.