Wednesday, June 4, 2014

White Racism: What The World Needs


 
(Sarcasm. That is the first word read in this article so it is crystal clear what will follow. Racism is a topic I admittedly have relatively little exsperience with, outside of being a third party observer. My personal feelings however are simply this; Black? White? Red? Brown? I don't care what color your asshole is, just don't be one. Now lets begin.)

Racism is a big topic these days. Its in the news, on the TV, in basket ball and politics. It seems to be everywhere but ironically it seems to be vacant from the people perpetrating it the most, us white folks. Where are our racial slurs and bigoted protests? Why has nobody stepped forward and tried redefining racism towards white people for the new millienium? Honky. Cracker. Pecker Wood. All archaic racism from our fathers, and our fathers fathers generation. I want to step out of the stone age and into the space age with racism. So like everything else in life if you want something done right you have to do it white. So let us begin and just dive into unjust labels by starting with the author. 

Hello. My name is Sam Norton. I am a straight white Irish American male who is the youngest child of my family. And I hate my stereotypes of which there are only two. Thats my problem right there, white people have only two prevailing stereotypes. 

Stereotype #1; We are all racist... Sure.

Stereotype #2; When we sweat we smell like wet dogs. Ok.

But that is the whole list. Really non white America?! White people have been around for eons and you've only manage two? Step your game up, and get creative. Between white privilege, American exceptionalism and my penis constantly trying to run my life, it is a constant struggle to keep my ego in check. I am sure if my family ever owned a boat I would have the personality of a child king. Which is the first of my new and improved white stereotype.

Stereotype #3: Spoiled! King Joffre (game of thrones) and Varooca Salt (charlie and the chocalate factory) are white peoples spirit animals. For white people its never enough, if its not the price its the employees. If its not the employees its the wait, or the air, or the god damn lighting. 

Stereotype #4: White people are full of greed. Your money we want it. Your house we want it. Your country, we take it. White on the inside green in the middle. We are the pistacios of humanity. 
 
Stereotype #4: Love pairing Boxed Wine and Crocs 

Stereotype #5: Love pairing Renaissance Fairs and PBR

Stereotype #6: Love pairing Jean Shorts and Unkempt facial hair

Stereotype #7: Meatloaf (food and singer)

Stereotype #8: Self loathing. From our music and entertainment to our humor and conversations the people of the white, hate themselves the most. White people's catch phrase should be "I wish people understood me". The truth is everyone understands us, EXCEPT US!

Stereotype #9: The 'N-word'. Not the actual word, but literally "The 'N' Word". It was our clever way of getting back the only thing someone has ever taken from us. "The 'N' Word; because white people deserve to have it all". 

Stereotype #10: Tricksters. We managed to turn beads into New York City, thats a magic trick Merlin would have given a standing ovation towards. White people shake your hand and smile while our other hand pulls everything you thought you owned out of your life. Case in point, stereotype #9. We have managed to say the word "nigger" by simply breaking it down into two words and one capital letter. Or we just write it in a blog. Don't worry we aren't SAYING it, *WINK* 

Stereotype #11: Fear of the Sun. Well you call it the Sun. We call it a midday demon that only lets us go outside for an hour and a half at a time.

Stereotype #12: Love of the Sun. Some mutant white people love the sun. They bathe in a bed of it. But they look like the Doc Marten boots they still wear.

Stereotype #13: Hypocrital. Everyone is a hypocrite for sure. But white people are the only ones who will ask "Where you from?" Unless! You are Black. Asian, Latino, accent, no accent doesnt matter unless you've got that chocalate skin. I believe its because we dont mind being racist until it gets awkward for us when we ask "Hey black Dave, where are you from"? "I don't know man, they didnt give my family a copy of the sales receipt."

Stereotype #14: Awful Immagrants. Not only were we welcomed into someones elses country then killed them, but we never stopped coming. And just like any group of immagrants the later generation slowly become shittier people. I am 3rd generation american. For immagrants I am the ghost of grandchild future. My grandfather grew up on a farmed, fought in WW2, put himself through college, then immigrated to the US to play hockey. My dad was the man of the house, when his father died, at 16. He put himself through college, then worked two jobs to support a family of 7. I dropped out of college, started wearing nail polish and vests, and say things like "I wish people understood me better".
 
Stereotype #15: Whites are filthy. I took a hard look at us and realized we are the only people on the planet who can be oily and flakey at the exact same time. We are like a buttered snow globe. Deseases like Measles, cholera, smallpox all come from cows and pigs being our roommates for 2000 years. We create microscopic death because we are too intamate with our pets. Thats why old white men open mouth kisses their dogs, and old white women share ice cream cones with their cats. Do you know what 'expressing the anal gland' means? I guarantee if you do you learned it from a white person. 

These are just some suggestion for the community to pick up and run with. I hope however it gets your racism percolating so that we can bring something new to racism. Remember this is America the land of divided houses and trailers. United we stand but divided we grow. Without blanked judgements of entire swabs of people this wouldn't be the country former slave owners built. 

In all honesty no matter your race, gender, orientation, or religion I have a place for you in my heart and hope this made you smile. Times at the moment seem so insurmountably difficult in not only the States, but the world in general. But I believe we can enlightening ourselves towards a brighter tomorrow. We just need to not let the past generations of malice define the future that is ours to own. We make our own path. It can be a narrow one or a wide path ever expanding in all directions towards the horizon. Lets encompass anyone and everyone with acceptance and love and try at least, just a little bit to unite under one label, "human". And remember, White power. Thank you.


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

5 Things Females Seem To Not Understand (Because, Female Privilege) writen by: a straight white man

In response to an article I read writen by Mark Saunders entitled "18 Things Females Seem To Not Understand (because-female-privilege)" I decided to write something on the same topic but not as moronic. Check it out here (). This article is my attempt to show that a man can be a little more thoughtful, less misogynistic, and quite a bit funnier when tackling a topic like sexism. 

Now a little bit about me so you can understand my perspective. I am a young blonde haired, blue eyed, caucasian man, who deep down wants to be a sassy black lesbian. In the age we live in I feel the modern woman has many many more adversities than she does privileges. But as an outsider towards the femnine world I have observed some awesome positive things women were both given and fought for that have made me wish I was a fancy lady many times over. And this is that list. 

1. Diversity:
Although women make up 50% of the population they are still a minority group. Now many negatives do come from this fact but one huge positive is that a woman can fill in a diversity quota. Does it point out blatant sexism towards women in todays work place ? Yes. But damn it if I haven't wished I could be that 'diversity quota', because in todays society you might as well call me Kleenex because I am just as white and disposable. Sure, I won't be paid the same, but I will be paid.

2. School:
Women are smarter! Hands down especially in middle school and high school because (In general) hormones don't comsume EVERY WAKING THOUGHT. Given the same resources and oppurtunities women will always be more intelligent because thier thoughts aren't always fogged up by a cloud of tits (or dicks). If sex wasnt constantly on my brain I could discuss the complexities of interstellar black holes without being distracted by the ones between a womans legs that smells like fruits loops.

3. Emotions  
Women are allowed to experience the whole spectrum of emotions without it being taboo. Now, today there are women out there fighting for the right for men to have the same privilege but we arent there yet. I still feel the pressure of society to only express happiness or anger. When I am sad press it down deep into my self until it becomes a blood diamond  of rage and express that rage  screaming with my fists and crying through my dick. 

4. Physically
 Put simply, women have better parts. This is not a matter of opinion its a science fact (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina). They are symmetrical and tucked away like a little secret for you to open and hear the meaning of life. Whilst penises are flappy and disgusting blood engourged monsters who rise ominously from a swampy marsh. Mine is always screaming at me and swelling up in unapproved areas; churches, public bathrooms, next to a teeter-totter. Penises are awful. 

5. Babies
Women make life, men, at best, make very unhygienic Jackson Pollack sheet paintings. A uterus makes women tough. They have to bleed once a month for 3 or 4 decades but never die. Men at best grow and shrink according to the temperature. Screw a thermometer I want a baby maker. Mothers by virtue of a kid get mental medals of honor when they push a whole human body out of a hole in thier human body. As a man I thought being punched in the face was the worst pain in the world until I thought 'well at least I don't have push that fist out of my butthole'.

See not all men a heman-woman haters some of us are Alfalfa.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Top 10 Underrated/Underutilized Comics in Chicago (2013)



Top 10 underrated/underutilized comics in Chicago
 I have been doing comedy for 7 years. Lived in 3 different cities and watched many comics come and go, and Chicago is something special. A mecca of burgeoning talent with a beyond spectacular track record. In recent history we had TJ Miller, Nick Vaterott, Kyle Kinane, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani to name a few. They all developed different styles and voices but the one thing in common is that they all grew here. So why in holy hell are we so closed minded on great comedy here? It needs to be known talent does not live in a type or bubble! This list is made for those I see who are underutilized or under appreciated in our scene. Yes we all respect CYSK, Lincoln Lodge, and Adam Burke (formally Cameron Esposito)* but there are shadows in this city that deserve the spot light, too. Im here to shine that light on them. *(I believe they all are fantastic comics as well, I just wanted to be a dick). I mean every word that follows! So don't ask me after reading it.

Bill Cruz
He's a gay man that hit on me when I was newer and 10 lbs lighter, but he is also a man that has, over the years, impressed the fuck out of me comedically. Everyone knows and loves him, sure, but somehow he isn't thought about nearly enough when it comes to great Chicago Comedy. Hard truth, Bill's own fear of acceptance gets in his own way which doesn't allow him to really blossom into where he should be. But I feel it's the Chicago comedy scene's fault. Why? Well how do we expect this "beloved" man to feel confident doing shows in other less supportive cities when he doesn't get the true comedic respect he deserves right here at home. If you 'love' Bill but never mention him in conversation about great Chicago Comedy I say from the bottom of my heart "FUCK YOU, YOU TWO FACED SHIT"!

Jeff Steinbrenner 
This giant mouthed fuck can be a hack from time to time, but who isn't? Jeff separates himself from the rest of us by admitting it. Then he owns it. Then he makes fun of it. And then, very skillfully, uses a very intellectual brain and crafts it into a completely original lovely piece of art. He is self aware which is more than I can say about 95% of "orignal comics" I've seen here in the city. Oh you have a dating joke that kills and your masturbating bit is running up to 3 whole minutes? Well let me say most sarcastically "Way to step outside the box, you gifted humorist". Jeff and I have shat on each others' acts for years now and for that same amount of time he has had the most consistent growth amongst all comics in the city. Find a comic that can be more likable more quickly on stage than this Tim Burton-esque gangly man, and I will quit comedy. We were both hack-tastic until Jeff turned both his hack and this hack into a fan. 

Martin Morrow 
Sure everybody knows Farty Marty but very few know Martin Morrow. Hard working, shit shooting, never the token fucking black comic, Morrow. In an industry that pigeon holds anyone who isn't the standard (white male) Martin pushes back as a black woman, and hard. All kidding aside Martin has arguably done a lot in Chicago which might make you wonder why he is on this list. It's because I know he deserves more. I want everyone to start saying this now "Martin is a great comic" because when he is on your favorite TV show in 10 years, you will not be able to bullshit me and say "I always thought he was funny". Fuck you, because you never passionately voiced it.

Calvin Evans. 
Calvin 'MF' Evans. I swear to God if you are reading this and you say you are a Chicago comedian but still have no idea who I'm talking about find a street needle and inject yourself with rusty AIDS heroin. This dude is a beast. A BEAST. Kills white corwds. Kills black crowds. Kills mixed. Kills hyped. Kills dead. Kills anyone who is paying attention. And rarely do I see this dude in the North-side shows unless he is producing a stellar show himself. Quick! My impression of North-side comics "These guys are the best comics in Chicago. What? No, I've never been to the South-side. I don't think I could do well down there". Good game plan, because it allows talent like Calvin to polish up and shine brighter when you decide to start paying attention. 

Ali Clayton 
Ok, I have to say this now and on the record, she used to piss me off. Every time she told a joke I thought 'Why the leg kick'? And 'Is she really that smiley'? But I admit now and forever that she is amazing! This turd has been doing stand up a faction of the time I have and has figured it out way past my own abilities. Recognize through Ali, people, that if you work hard you can become a god damn hilarious son of a bitch. And you know what? Ali managed to become a power house whilst being a fucking great person THE WHOLE TIME. Tell her she is funny then take a minute and learn a lesson from her. I know I did.

Collin Bullock 
Oh man, probably the most unbelievable and controversial one on this list. Listen, I know he is an ass. He knows he is an ass, but do me a favor and book him once. Just once at your fucking "special" show, and see if he doesn’t blow your hair back. Collin is a self doubting, self sabotaging, self destructive ass,  but which of us isn't? That all sounds like the mold of a stand up comedian we all came from. Which makes me think that the biggest problem comics have towards him is that they are forced to face all of their own imperfections and annoyances face to face with him.  Now, Colin, I KNOW your egotistal ass is reading this, so hear me well: you are better than what you put yourself down to; when you are at a show emoting your very real pain nobody cares to learn about, it makes you an endearing, beautiful person. Also fuck you.

Kevin White 
What a drunk, loud, dumb, crude Irish son of a bitch, but you know what? He is also a hard working, insightful, quick witted son of a bitch. He is an entertaining comic who can also put together wonderfully entertaining shows.  "Entertainment", that's the name of the business we are in, right? Not a nostalgic, mutual masturbating business of high school bullshit. Ok, ok, running great shows in multiple cities means nothing. Fine. Have any of you punks seen this man work in a half hour time frame? I have, and I have seen him thrive in this spot weaving stories for the entertainment of everyone in front of him. He may think he is terrible but I very much disagree, but NEVER to his face.

Davey Boy Helem. 
First things first, Davey, If I stop doing "Bone Thugs" you have to stop doing "Precious". Now, let me ask Chicago, are you blind? Why is this man not on every show, pimped at every festival, featured in the red eye, and on the radio? This dude supports. This man writes. This man is hungry as shit. Northside, southside, in the city, outside of the city ready to work hard for his slice of the pie. If you don't know him, do yourself a huge favor and get to know him because as long as he stays hungry for success Davey is going to blow up big within the decade. And yes, this whole paragraph is a well crafted fat joke but that doesn't make it any less true.

Jacob Williams, 
Simply put I honestly and deeply hated Jacob until I spent a week working with him last year and my God did he prove me wrong! I still believe Jacob Wlliams is "The Pancakes of Comedy", meaning for the first 15 minutes Jacob is all you want but after that you really want some bacon. But you know what? Pancakes FUCKING ROCK!  This douche pickle has had more work, more TV credits, and more jokes than all of us combined and still you all judge. 'Meh he's so clubby and traditional'. You can talk shit when you've proven yourself half the comic he is to everyone - not just friends and people who live exactly like you. Fuck them Jacob, I still hate you but I love you too, man. 

Jeanie Doogan 
Sure she works all the clubs. Sure she has done all the ALT rooms. Sure she tourers. Sure she is my drinking buddy. And sure she reminds me of my older sister. But here are some shameful 'not sures'. I'm 'not sure' if anyone compliments her devotion. Im 'not sure' if I've ever heard someone say she is one of the best acts in the city. Im 'not sure' if I've ever heard Jeanie herself say she was one of the best acts in the city. And I'm 'not sure' some of you morons who are reading this will ever comprehend the talent that is in this beautiful Irish lass. Jeanie go BrĂ¡ch! 

Saurin Choksi
Saurin is a stand up comedian. An Improv comedian. A producer. A writer. And a hip hop artist. This mother fucker has done more forms of entertainment in 6 years than most hope to do in a life time. I've witnessed with my own eyes Chaux perform above and beyond the expectations of every single type of person. Its all wonderful, but nobody gushes over his ability? At best you all say "Saurin? Yea he's nice". Nice? I piss on those condescending hollow words. This man might be an entertainment genius. As an audience member you first see a man who is a minority amongst minorities then after 10 seconds you NEVER think about it again. His act is about Chaux and only Chaux which means it's nothing but funny. Now go talk about how your poor or can't get a date or how Irish you are... wait.

Emily Galati. 
Here you go M, #1 finally. You have your head way too far up your own ass if you didn't see this coming. Chicago, if you listen to nothing else on this list, listen to this... Quite simply, this comic WIIL be famous. She works harder than you. She is smarter than you. She has more will power than you. She has more passion than you. She has it all and she has it in spades. So when she is on Letterman and schmoozing with her doppelgangers, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, you will be at some shitty one nighter or open mic saying "She was great I, blah blah blah blah blah". Screw you! Stop segregating funny, Chicago! Watch her sometime and you will see a comic master mind. Finally, Emily Galati in 5 words. Impatient, Bitch, Loyal, Comic, Genius. Truth and honesty towards a one-of-a-kind mind. 


 I wrote this to be as confrontational as possible to hopefully wake up our scene. We are not New York. We are not LA. We are something much better. We have just as much opportunity, more ingenuity, less pressure, and, I hope, more camaraderie. We should be a scene that allows creativity and variety because, very simply, we can. The second we start focusing in on a certain style as the only place for funny is the second this funny womb starts to decay. Stop being so closed minded and open your mind to all ideas and experiences of comedy. Nerd out - that's what we are here for! Traditional style does NOT mean hacky. Be better than a drunk audience member and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Listen to the written material and study the craft from all angles. We are all Chicago Comedy and we should all claim each other proudly. 

... Also I hate me too. 

Honorable mentions because I think they get enough love.
David Drake, Matty Ryan (Best guy love)
Dan Freezen (Podcast love)
Jeff Arcuri (Smile love)
Ken Witzgall (Cole's love)
Ricky Gonzalez (Lodge love)
Ian Abramson, Jason Earl Folks (Mic love)
Pat McGann (Zanies love)