(Sarcasm. That is the first word read in this article so it is crystal clear what will follow. Racism is a topic I admittedly have relatively little exsperience with, outside of being a third party observer. My personal feelings however are simply this; Black? White? Red? Brown? I don't care what color your asshole is, just don't be one. Now lets begin.)
Racism is a big topic these days. Its in the news, on the TV, in basketball and politics. It seems to be everywhere but ironically it seems to be vacant from the people perpetrating it the most, us white folks. Where are our racial slurs and bigoted protests? Why has nobody stepped forward and tried redefining racism towards white people for the new millennium? Honky. Cracker. Pecker Wood. All archaic racism from our fore-fathers. I want to step out of the stone age and into the space age with racism. So like everything else in life if you want something done white you have to do it yourself. So let's just dive into unjust labels by starting with me, the author.
Hello. My name is Sam Norton. I am a straight white Irish American male who is the youngest child of my family. My demographic stereotype would say I am a self obsessed, needy, rage filled little attention seeker and that would be offensively correct. However the "white" in my labeling seems to only have two main stream stereotypes; 1 we're all racist and 2 we smell when we sweat. And that lazy bigotry is my biggest problem with society. White people are way more collectively simple for us to only have TWO prevailing stereotypes. So here is a definitive top #15 list of stereotypes and racial slurs for white people in the new millennium.
Stereotype #1: RACIST. Oldy but a goody.
Stereotype #2: ROVER. When we sweat we smell like wet dogs. Lassie for the ladies if you must.
Stereotype #3: KING JOFFRE (Game of Thrones) and VAROOCA SALT (Charlie and The Chocolate Factory). Those two character are white peoples spirit animals. For white people its never enough, if its not the price, its the employees. If its not the employees, its the wait or the air or the god damn lighting. In the words of Culture Beat white people are like "I know what I want and I want it now. I want you cause I'm Mr Vain".
Stereotype #4: PISTACHIOS. White people are full of greed. Your money we want it. Your house we want it. Your country, we take it. White on the inside green in the middle. We are the pistachios of humanity.
Stereotype #4: CLASSY TRASH. Love pairing Boxed Wine and Crocs. Just can't stop wanting to feel like its happy hour at brunch even though it's 6pm in a Walmart parking lot.
Stereotype #5: TRASHY CLASS. Love pairing Renaissance Fairs and PBR. Just can't stop wearing ornate period costumes while drinking a 40 in the hot August sun.
Stereotype #6: TRASHY STACHE. Love pairing Jean Shorts and uniquely distinguished facial hair. Just can't stop stylizing beards and mustaches that say "I'm a 1880's dandy" with jorts that say "Yes I am from Bumfuck Alabama".
Stereotype #7: MEATLOAF. Meatloaf we just love it (food and singer).
Stereotype #8: WEEZERS: From our music and entertainment to our humor and conversations the people of the white, hate themselves the most. White people's catch phrase should be "I wish people understood me". We are moody, emotional tweens constant looking for understanding. The truth is everyone understands us, EXCEPT US!
Stereotype #9: T.N.W's: The 'N-word' not the actual word, but literally "The 'N' Word" is white peoples greatest invention. It was our clever way of getting back the only thing someone has ever taken from us. "The 'N' Word; because white people deserve to have it all".
Stereotype #10: LOKI: God of mischief, white people are magical in that pursuit. We managed to turn beads into New York City, that's a magic trick Merlin would have given a standing ovation towards. White people shake your hand and smile while our other hand pulls everything you thought you owned out from under you. Case in point, stereotype #9. We have managed to say the word "nigger" by simply breaking it down into two words and one capital letter. Or we just write it in a blog. Don't worry we aren't SAYING it, *WINK*
Stereotype #11: MOONS: As pale as the man on the moon our natural environment is in the shadows. You may call it the Sun but white folks know it as Beelzebub. The midday demon that only lets us go outside for an hour and a half at a time.
Stereotype #12: BOOTS: These are some mutated white people who love the sun. They bathe beds of it until they look like the Doc Marten boots the Moons are still fashionably wearing.
Stereotype #13: EGG WALKERS: Everyone is a hypocrite for sure. But only white people are the only ones who will ask "Where you from?" Unless you're Black. Asian, Latino, accent, no accent doesn't matter unless you've got that chocolate skin. These type of white folks only step on egg shells when they know they're orbiting around slavery. I believe its because we don't mind being racist until they have to realize the true history of it.
Egg Walker: "Hey Black Dave, where are you from?"
Black Dave: "Tennessee".
Egg Walker: "Nah man, Where are you from, from?"
Black Dave: "I don't know man, You're family never gave my family a copy of the sales receipt."
Egg Walker: "Hey Black Dave, where are you from?"
Black Dave: "Tennessee".
Egg Walker: "Nah man, Where are you from, from?"
Black Dave: "I don't know man, You're family never gave my family a copy of the sales receipt."
Stereotype #14: COLONIZERS. We say immigrants you should say Colonizers. Not only were we welcomed into someones else country then killed them, but we never stopped coming. I am 3rd generation American. My grandfather grew up on a farm, fought in WW2, put himself through college, then immigrated to the US to play hockey. My dad was the man of the house, when his father died, at 16. He put himself through college, then worked two jobs to support a family of 7. I dropped out of college, started wearing nail polish and vests, and say things like "I wish people understood me better". Nothing belongs to us yet we own it all.
Stereotype #15: SHITHEADS. Whites are filthy. I took a hard look at us and realized we are the only people on the planet who can be oily and flaky at the exact same time. We are like a buttered snow globes. Diseases like Measles, cholera, smallpox all come from cows and pigs being our roommates for 2000 years. We create microscopic death because we are too intimate with our pets. That's why old white men open mouth kisses their dogs, and old white women share ice cream cones with their cats. Do you know what 'expressing the anal gland' means? I guarantee if you do you learned it from a white person.
These are just some suggestion for the community to pick up and run with. I hope however it gets your racism percolating so that we can bring something new to racism. Remember united we stand but divided we grow. Without blanket judgement of entire swabs of people this wouldn't be a world slavery built.
In all honesty no matter your race, gender, orientation, or religion I have a place for you in my heart and hope this made you smile. Times at the moment seem so insurmountably difficult. Not only in the States, but the entire world. However, I believe we can enlightening ourselves towards a brighter tomorrow. We just need to stop letting the past generations of malice define the future that is ours to own. We make our own path and it can be a narrow one like the cobblestone of prejudice we've walked on in the past. Or a wide expansive road of equality that's directed to a bright and glorious horizon. Lets us encompass anyone and everyone with acceptance and love and try at least, just a little bit to unite under one label, "humanity". And remember, White power. Thank you.
